Hello my lovely cat people!
I haven’t been at it for quite a while and I missed this. :’) But I’m back, and I’m back to share one of my latest, not so great, first ever performances. Hope you enjoy. ❤
So this whole thing started when I found out that my homeroom (I think that’s what you guys call it) teacher at college told us that she was leaving our college to go to the other part of Australia. So I thought, what could I do? I decided that because I can kind of sing and kind of play piano, I wanted to do a performance before she leaves, as a kind of “farewell” present. Now I don’t think that I am a great singer, by all means, I would never ever do something like this, unless I’m doing it for something or someone REALLY special to me. I don’t like performing in front of a lot of people as I get really nervous and shy and… bleh.
But before all the preparation started for an assembly performance at my school, I have first e-mailed a friend of mine about an opportunity of a live music thing in May of the last lunchtime on Friday. But before I got a reply, I also stupidly decided to e-mail the main music teacher at our college (honestly, I think I was possessed) and asked his whether I could perform in assembly by the end of term. Unfortunately, I have failed to do both of those performances due to them being booked or having no time, which is quite sad. ;( But the music teacher gave me the go-ahead for the first week back from holidays and I said ok. I don’t even know why, I could’ve easily said no… But I like challenges and I like setting goals and performing in front of a 300+ audience was, sort of, one of them.
So then the preparation began. I have spent weeks preparing for this, at first singing and playing piano badly, but then slowly and surely getting better at it. The song that I was playing; Concrete Angels by Christina Novelli, if anyone’s interested :P; was quite easy to play by ear, so I did that without too much trouble. I spent hours practicing almost every week, at school, at home, practically anywhere with a piano. I started to gain confidence about my performance and I started to say to myself, “You know what? I can do this thing!” As the performance day got closer, I started getting a little more anxious and have asked my family and friends for their honest opinion on my performance, both of which rated positive. 😀
So then the performance day came… I was so nervous that when I actually got up on stage, my leg that was pushing down on the pedal, as well as my two hands, were shaking so much that I thought they were going to fall off. It was really horrible and I am still surprised that my voice didn’t go bad once… I also think that I looked much calmer that I really was on the inside (LIES!!). So there I was, playing my piece and enjoying myself, I actually thought that it was going well and that everyone is going to like it and stuff. But then guess what? I fucking screwed up… And to make the matters worse, I said “Oh God” into the mic…. UGH!!!! ><
I carried on like nothing happened and finished the song, and then people clapped and just like that I was off-stage with tears flowing down like crazy. Even though a lot of people came up to me afterwards and said that they really enjoyed it, I didn’t feel like it was a good performance. You might say that I am a harsh self-critic, but I don’t care. I just get so frustrated when I’ve been preparing for something and putting my heart and soul into it for, literally, weeks, practicing for so many hours every week, feeling confident at first, and then to come out on stage and to screw it up and to embarrass myself in front of my whole college and teachers was just… I don’t know… call it what you will, shattering, heartbreaking, it was one of those very unpleasant feelings that you won’t feel empathy for until you have experienced it yourself… It is really indescribable and I wish I had never felt it.
So after the performance, I went to the bathroom with a very good friend of mine and she reassured me while I was crying my eyes out that it wasn’t that bad. And to make it worse, my other friend said that he will be filming the performance and then uploading it to Facebook, which I didn’t really have a problem with, but when I stuff up and that moment is captured on video for the whole internet community to see… It makes me feel very self-conscious. And after that, I felt for a few days that I never want to do this kind of thing again. One, I’m not that good of a singer, there are TONS of other people at my school who are a way better skill-level than I am. Two, I got so nervous, I thought my legs and feet were going to break off or something… I didn’t want to experience that kind of stress again. And three, I’m not that good at playing instruments and when I get nervous and perform in front of people, I most likely mess up. So I didn’t feel that confident about anything at that moment and even though so many people came up to me and said that I did a great job (which I did appreciate, especially after my screw up), I just didn’t feel like it was a well-deserving “good” performance. I would’ve been much happier if I had forgotten the words and just kept going because that’s not as noticeable as an actual stop.
But then, when the video on Facebook started getting a various number of likes, it made me feel reassured that the mistake I made wasn’t that bad. Even though I still can’t watch the part where I screw up and just put my phone away, I felt as though other people moved past that and still enjoyed it because of my singing. I am in no way saying that I only felt better because I started getting “popular” on the internet, but it made me feel a little better that a bunch of my friends on Facebook, most of whom I don’t even talk with on a daily basis, started liking something that I used to do at family dinners or my bedroom most of the time. It made me feel that if I can do it, then anyone can, and I hope I’ve inspired someone to go up onto the stage and show off what they have.
The world nowadays can be so cruel and unkind and my biggest fear is to be judged or critiqued heavily by other people, and to see that people in my grade, some of whom are not the nicest of people, liked what I did despite the really embarrassing mistake I made on stage, literally means the absolute world to me! I am so grateful to all those people that have either liked the video or came up to me and said that they liked it anyway. So, person who made me feel better, if you somehow stumble upon this typical teenage rant post, I thank you from the bottom of my heart. ❤
So, lesson to learn from this, we all make mistakes, however, we can choose whether to get up and keep going or stay lying down. I chose to get up right after I stuffed up and people started to admire me. So, if you have a hidden talent that you would love to share with the world but are afraid that people won’t like it or that you will stuff up, just remember that if you do make a mistake but then pick yourself up, people will admire and like your performance so much more, because it really is hard to do. Trust me.
Hopefully this has helped some of you with whatever you might have been feeling, I love you all~! ❤